So I’m laying down, red light on, vibe playlist… relaxing and just thinking.
And as I was thinking I thought about some good news I got today, and how I reacted.
This was really good news, but crazy enough I showed no excitement.
So here I am, sipping green tea, and listening to Gregory Porter, recalling other times I reacted similarly.
And I realized I do that a lot. I don’t allow myself to show or express excitement when I’m given good news.
So now, I’ve got my own attention, and want to figure out why I do that.
It isn’t rocket science, so I figured it out pretty fast.
I’ve been let down so many times, and hurt so many times.
So many, that I actually started to think me getting my hopes up and excited was kind of jinxing it.
Yea, I know…insane, but hey, that’s what I thought.
So I built this wall.
And this walls shielded me from disappointment.
Not completely of course, but it helped a lot.
I wasn’t let down as much, because I didn’t expect much.
I think it’s time to tear down that wall.
Even though it’s protected me from pain, it’s stolen my ability to feel.
To feel excitement and hope.
Risky… yes, but I think the feeling’s worth it.
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